In Your Ear

I had a prescription to pick up.  The waiting line formed along a wall of medical devices.  In the past several years, I have not had occasion to pause in the aisle of thermometers.  With all the advancements in medical fields, I should not have been at all surprised with what was displayed.

But I was.  There must have been twenty different “In the Ear” thermo-sensors.  Wow…you must choose between thermometers which accurately record temperatures within 2 seconds, 8, 20, 30 or 60 seconds and one that did not promise any time duration.  Could have been stick it in your ear ‘til tomorrow, I’m not sure.

In the area of children’s thermometers was a Quack Quack or Woof Woof digitals.  I believe they “talk” to the kids.  I didn’t have my microscopic reading glasses so I can only surmise the Dog’s head only gives a whimper with a low grade temp…yips gently at 101°…barks loudly at 103°…and howls like a hysterical hyena at 104° and up.

Another one I needed a magnifier to read the fine print was a “Basal”.  From the pictures, I’d surmise you could stick this one in almost any orifice of the human body.  I was able to read the RED LETTER WARNING:  Clean thoroughly after rectal use.  Clean?  More like, please buy an autoclave sterilizer before oral use.

And speaking of oral use, one package declared Mercury Free.  Really?  Is it necessary to advertise “mercury free”?  It’s been 15 years since mercury filled thermometers have been banned in Michigan. But who wants even a mercury free one to stick in your mouth.  I spotted some Non-contact beauties.  You just aim them at your forehead or temple.

It took a lot of years to develop these for home use.  I saw them in use on the Enterprise many years ago.  And, in addition to temps, those babies scanned for all diseases known to man, Klingons and probably even Orkians.  Keep watch during next year’s Cyborg Monday for Tricorders under Ten-grand.

I will say that one of the varieties I saw had little practical use as far as I was concerned.  It boasted about being battery-free…solar powered.  What are you gonna do drag your sick child outside to get a good reading?

Almost every variety of thermometer I spotted had some variance of regular, touch/touch free, infrared, or premium.  Oh, boy…Premium for one brand included Fever Insight along with Smart Phone Wireless Technology.  Would you believe it dials 911 if the reading is over 108°.  No?

Well, then, would you believe it sends your phone a message for any temps over a hundred-five?  Not that either?

How ‘bout you get a different  ring tone with each degree over a 98.6?

At the very least, you’ll get a loud siren on your phone when your child sticks it in their ear.

Here’s your gift…

I am quite certain you will not like what I got for you this year.  Without a doubt, this is the worst gift I have ever given you.  It took me all of five seconds to click add to my cart after sorting my choices by increasing prices.  I found it on EZTVBUY.com among their Top Ten Knock-off Rip-offs.  If it’s the wrong color, you will just have to get used to it.  If it’s the wrong size, gain weight.  If it’s not what you want, you cannot return it because it’s lifetime exceeded the guarantee during the two months of shipping in a very slow boat from China.

That is a composite of the exact opposite of statements I have often heard at family Christmas gift giving.  Often heard?  Humph.  Such comments almost always come during and immediately after most gifts are unwrapped.  Why do so many people feel it is necessary to tell the recipient that they can return it if…?  Do we need permission to hurry back to the store to exchange something two sizes too small.  It should be rather obvious that I haven’t lost an ounce in the last 10 years?

And even as the recipient is unwrapping an unknown, many givers audibly state they “hope you’ll like it”.  Seriously?  Does anyone ever give a gift hoping otherwise.  Even when I bought my daughter coal, I sincerely hoped she would like the bits of fossil fuel…albeit, mounted in sterling silver earrings.

One gift this year was a ring.  Amara gave it to her mom.  She and Sue, who facilitated the purchase, both advised Kim that the ring could be resized if necessary.  First of all, I can even resize a plastic ring.  Who honestly doesn’t know quality jewelry can be altered to fit.  In my thinking, resizing permission is always an astounding revelation.  If I were to receive a ring that was too big, I’d calm the giver’s anxiety; “Wow, this is fabulous.  I’ve never had a ring for my big toe.”

Another common occurrence with gift giving is telling the story behind it.  Sometime it is about how many sources were searched, or maybe the opposite.  “I didn’t have a clue what to give you until I saw this totally bizarre item I knew you didn’t have.”  There’s probably a reason they never got one or even remotely hinted they might like it.  But, hey, every year there are white elephant gift exchanges.

Almost as often as the “you’ll never believe where I found it” story is the “I turned in 4 coupons, got 10% off by getting a new credit card, showed them my AAA discount and hinted that I must have left my employee ID at home” 10 minute narrative.  Me?  I usually make sure the original price sticker stays on the box before wrapping it.

Honestly, the stories behind Christmas gifts truly do enhance the celebrations.  Whether you get the perfect gift or something you absolutely must exchange, gasping is always advisable.  The giver will never know for sure why you are speechless.

Friday Frivolity: WOW!

Oh, WOW.  Double wow.  What a gorgeous blonde on a postcard.  Nah, not a French postcard (for the wonderment of guys old enough to remember that inference.)  But a post card sized advertisement just the same.

Perfect, blemish free skin and ample of that without revealing anything particularly sexy but certainly a provocative expression.  And all frames with soft fuzzy fur Santa hat, gloves and…  Just to her left a gold frames sign clearly stating $59 per treatment.

That’s not a paraphrase of what I presumed.  That’s a quote…treatment, and without much imagination, a proposal she was offering.  To the left was “CALL TODAY!  …and a local number at that.  Not 1-800-dream-on.  Rather it was a number in my area code.  Not that I was at all tempted, but I was admittedly misled.

You see, the ad wasn’t even targeted for my demographics.  Sure, the price might have been reasonable for a retired guy’s income.  However, Look younger, melt fat and lose inches are more like she was tossing sugar plums at my head rather than visions of them dancing in my head.  By the way, RedPlum is the company circulating this dream.

Oh, and removing hair is certainly not anywhere on my priority list.  I’ve had enough of that happen already and it didn’t cost $59 a treatment.  So, what was the card promoting?  A complete non-surgical solution to a new you!  Oh, my goodness!  I could look younger…supposedly very much like the Santa clad gal I mentioned as WOW.

Trust me.  Without hesitation, even Bruce Whoever would choke trying to tell me that was remote possible.  And this ad said it could happen without a face lift at a fraction of the cost.

All I can say it WOW.  That’s gotta be one heck of an elixir.