This is a story from one of my books. Each book has 30 such humorous, real life, tales. If you buy all three by writing to me (firstname.lastname@example.org) I will not charge shipping. So, 3 “Laughing…” books, $25.28 (tax incl.)
Life’s a Gas
Last week, a long-time friend of mine was lamenting about growin’ old because her maladies were mounting a considerable assault on her well-being. Hmmm, my maladies are giving me wonderful opportunities for entertainment and edification. Each time I see a specialist or go in for some procedure, I marvel at the amazing things modern medicine has to offer.
The other day I had an Esophogram. What an incredible experience. Okay, so it wasn’t exactly tasty having to drink a concoction with a consistency akin to a Soda Shop Malted (yes I’m THAT old), but the technology of the testing devices was astonishing..
I mean to tell you, this equipment was a lot bigger than Star Trek’s tricorder, but almost as impressive as it peered into my body. I got a chance to see the monitor as the doctor scanned my swallowing technique. Yikes! It looked like a python swallowing one white mouse after the other.
Of course, that thought did have a somewhat detrimental effect. When it hit me that each gulp I was making coincided with another white mouse heading for my stomach, I had a slight involuntary, convulsive ripple in my stomach. But, hey, they’ve got people to clean up the little puddle that escaped onto the table.
What did they expect, anyway? Laying a guy down on his stomach and asking him to imbibe plaster of Paris through a straw is just asking for puddles. I hope they didn’t let that stuff dry too long. Late in the afternoon, I was still chiseling remnants of that concoction from my mustache.
But that wasn’t the only stuff I had to drink. When I first arrived in the examination room, the attendant nurse advised me of what was to come.
“I’m going to mix these crystals in this water and you will need to drink it as quickly as possible.”
“No problem,” I replied.
“I mean you must drink it immediately and completely. These will act like Alka-Seltzer and put a considerable amount of gas in your stomach and esophagus. You’ll feel like belching, but please refrain.”
“Wait just a minute. Hold on there. You’re going to deprive me of a primal pleasure of Male-dom? Are you tellin’ me, you’re gonna fill my belly with gas, and I can’t burp?”
“That’s correct. We need that gas to remain there to expand the stomach and esophagus to enable a clear picture.”
“Well, here’s a little different picture. You’ve starved me for 18 hours to shrink my stomach. Now you’re going to induce bloating. Why didn’t you let me eat a juicy breakfast at my favorite diner? I could have burped and there’d still be plenty of expansion in there for a clear picture.”
She laughed, but otherwise ignored my plight. “Then we’ll ask you to slowly, but steadily, swallow the contents of this cup.”
She handed me a large cup containing several pounds of nearly-congealed concrete.
“Are you kidding? I don’t need to actually swallow this. My dear, if you pour this into my mouth it WILL go down…swallow or not.”
Again, a chuckle, but no compassion. “I’m going to raise this table to the upright position and then you can just step up onto the platform, and we can begin.”
Wow, was that slick. They raised the transporter table to vertical. I fully expected to see “Bones” McCoy enter the air lock any minute.
Anyway, up on the platform: Lights off, camera on, down with the Alka-Seltzer, and I quickly started sucking on the straw of the other liquid. Have you ever tried drinking plaster through a straw? What’s worse is trying to down that triple-thick potion with a belly full of Pop Rocks effervescing more CO2 than a case of champagne. Abstinence from belching was the least of my worries.
But, you know what? That stuff didn’t taste bad at all. I’m not good at flavors. It wasn’t exactly pina colada, but kinda fruity. More like a banana shake. Hmmm, I think my mind imagined that flavor because it felt like whole bananas slithering down my throat. But at least the flavoring helped suppress the gag reflex.
All in all, it was a rather exciting morning. I got a chance to witness some amazing technology, had delightful interactions with some fine people, and came away with a full stomach…. and no aftertaste.
So you see, the maladies associated with growing old aren’t really so bad, providing you have the proper perspective. Life’s a gas. …At least that morning it was.