There was most certainly a blur in my vision, not to mention my mind was a bit foggy. The ceiling was moving as I heard a voice, “How are you doing Mr. Kaiser?”
Regardless of what may seem to you as me lying on the floor in a drunken stupor, I assure you it was drugs, not liquor. I was waking up following a colonoscopy. And the voice was the “Recovery Nurse”, Joey.*
My brain began to clear enough for me to easily revert to my senses…especially the sense of humor. “Joey, you say?”
“Yes. Typically a boy’s name, but you got it right.” She was methodically locking my gurney, shining a laser beam into my eyes and checking my IV.
“Well, Joey, you are aware that you just carted me down the hall from a colonoscopy. I’m also quite certain you know that clear liquids is all the libation I’ve had for 2 days. I’ve complied with the directive of no meals, snacks, or early trick-or-treating. For a guy who eats something every two hours, my stomach is not only growling, it seems to be inverting itself up into my throat looking for anything consumable. Furthermore, I just finished a session with an internal photographer and you wonder how I’m doing?”
No doubt she had heard retorts like this before—mostly intended as complaint. However, my voice inflections and facial expressions certainly reflected my intended sarcasm. When she smiled brightly, I knew she gathered as much, so I felt comfortable in saying,
“You definitely do not look like any Australian Joey I’ve seen on the Nature Channel.”
“Well, thank you very much. I think you are quite awake now. Would you like something?”
“Steak or Lobster would be nice.”
“Ed, stop harassing her.” That was Sue entering my recovery stall. “I can take him out, but cannot make him behave.”
When Joey hopped back into my stall with a Coke, she advised me that they had pumped quite a bit of CO2 into my system so I probably feel a little bloated. “Don’t try to hold it in. Just let it out.” Before you get the impression that all men “just let it out”, I opted to try to force the gas back into my stomach and burp quietly. Do you realize there is a pyloric valve to prevent that from happening. Pressure anywhere in the lower digestive track pushes equally on a valve that will not open and the wide open…
Oh, was I happy I had not eaten anything in 24 hours.
The Doctor came in to tell Sue and I what he had found. He admitted that he had removed a rather large polyp which he did not want “scratched at” by abrasive foods. “No popcorn or nuts for two weeks.”
As he left, I announce my opinion of that proscription, “I don’t like you right now, Doctor.”
Joey continued the Doctor’s discharge instructions…including reiterating his emphasis of no popcorn. “I don’t like you either.” I glibly responded. “You’d better give Sue that no-no list. She is the one who will be in charge of what I should not eat.”
“That’s the way it is supposed to be…women in charge, right?” Sue and Joey ‘high-fived’ and I knew I had met a formidable repartee foe.
When she finished all the paperwork, Joey attempted to confirm if I was ready to leave. “Would you like to get dressed now?” she asked.
“I don’t know. Is it still raining outside?”
“Why? Are you afraid you might melt? Sue interjected for me. “Ed would say, ‘melt’ is heat related. Rain might cause ‘dissolving’, but not melting. However, I would say it’s too cold for him to melt and his sugar content is obviously debatable.”
That I would totally agree with. I had not had even an M&M in two days. But now, my fast was over. I got dressed then we headed for anything other than popcorn.
* I told Joey that I would be writing this Frivolity involving her and she gave permission to accurately use her name. This is a true story. No names have been changed to protect the guilty parties.